Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn't allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...

I always (for the past five minutes) thought it would be interesting if the transmissions from cell phones could be visible, so that I could look out the window right now and see all the words that are being passed from one phone to another. Another added plus of the words being visible is that I could reach into the air and take away the ones that I don't like, therefore completely changing people's conversations. With me controlling the airwaves, people would never use cell phones again, and we would no longer have to worry about walking down the street and being hit with a "hello," or a "goodbye," or a "he needs to stop messing with my mother's wounded llama," the latter of which would be a sentence that I formed based on stealing certain key words from zookeepers' conversations...

I always wondered - as has everyone - what it is like when two zookeepers got together. Do they act like party animals? Maybe go ape? If two zookeepers are reading this column simultaneously, I think an e-mail is in order. But I will only read this correspondence if both zookeepers have equal say in the wording...

Back to my complaints about cell phones, though. If I am unable to control the words soaring through the air, I would at least like to take a visit to a central satellite which serves as the basis for cellular conversations. I am thinking that if I point the satellite in a different direction, this would cause each person to call people they normally would never call, like the kid in homeroom who said he'll "keep in touch," or that telemarketer you said you'd get back to at some point. Better yet, perhaps I can point the satellite in the direction that forces each person to only call his or her own phone, which would be a useful concept in the Dakotas, where there aren't a lot of people to converse with anyway...

With this accomplished, I'd also like to set up a pen pal system amongst the residents of North and South Dakota. I don't necessarily think they should send letters to each other, but I believe they should trade pens on a weekly basis. This kind of sharing will prove valuable in the unity of the states, as well in the general maintenance of ink and the management thereof...

Such a program will be coordinated by an 11-year-old on a cell phone...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

In The News:


USA TODAY

'Constantine' battles evil with a wicked sense of humor
USA TODAY
"You get a lot of wit and lightness, but it comes from a defense mechanism within him," says Ryan (Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior), who, like the comic-book character, serves up an appealingly dry humor during an on-set interview. "He's so tormented ...
NBC's 'Constantine' spikes horror with dark humorBoston Herald
NBC's 'Constantine': Matt Ryan's charisma and some dark humor lift a murky ...The Oregonian - OregonLive.com

all 147 news articles »

Indianapolis Star

'Cosmos' star Neil deGrasse Tyson dazzles with science and humor
Indianapolis Star
Tyson found a man-on-the-street feature both humorous and troublesome in which people were asked what they would do if they learned an asteroid was going to end the world. He wondered why no one would try to find a way to prevent the disaster rather ...


Kokomo Tribune

Armstrong brings clean humor to Laugh House
Kokomo Tribune
Armstrong will bring his clean, yet unabashed variety of humor to the Laugh House comedy club with performances Thursday through Saturday. There has always been a blue collar element to Armstrong's humor, dating back to his time as the “ex-cop” during ...


Twitter erupts with angry rants, confused questions and cynical humor as New ...
Daily Mail
Dr. Craig Spencer went bowling at Brooklyn's The Gutter the night before his Ebola diagnosis; Health authorities maintain that Spencer, who returned to NYC 10 days ago after working in Guinea, was not likely contagious; However, friends Spencer made ...

and more »

Chimes

'Dear White People' addresses race with humor
Boston Globe
It's been a while since a movie has been as happily overcrowded as “Dear White People” — as packed with characters, incidents, ideas, provocations, diatribes, and jokes, jokes, jokes, all detonating like incendiary party poppers. The ragged-but-right ...
Light HumorGood Times
'Dear White People' smartly tackles hot-button issuesU-T San Diego
Review: 'Dear White People'WSOC Charlotte
Daily Californian -Weekly Alibi
all 185 news articles »

HUMOR: Dreams of the future
University of Virginia The Cavalier Daily
I have never planned my wedding, largely because I have never gone to a wedding. My uncle never sealed the deal, even though my mom once tried to get me to call him an ask about it. Even as a child in the single digit age range I thought “This is ...


A home with humor
Jerusalem Post
Architect Orna Biran, together with Ofer Fogelman, revamp 25-year-old mini-penthouse in Azorei Chen. German design kitchen. The Warendorf kitchen is of German design, will all machines hidden except for a retro red toaster.. (photo credit:URIEL MESSA).


Chronicle Independent

How to use humor to avoid an argument
Chronicle Independent
According to the dictionary, humor is defined as a “condition of the mind, mental state, disposition, temperament or feeling.” In other words, humor can be good or bad; however, there is no doubt that an attitude of seeing life with good humor helps us ...

and more »

HUMOR: Dry spell
University of Virginia The Cavalier Daily
I went through a two-year dry spell in college. For longer than a root canal procedure but less than the time it takes to adequately learn Japanese, collective reality pitched a no-hitter. Not the kind of no-hitter where no batters get on base — the ...


SKNVibes.com

Mr. Hype promises more hype and humor
SKNVibes.com
BASSETERRE, St. Kitts - REIGNING Power Soca Monarch Bjorn 'Mr. Hype' Bassue has promised more hype and humor as he bids to retain his title at the upcoming Sugar Mas 43 festivities. Speaking with SKNVibes, Mr. Hype indicated that he was preparing ...

Google News

Sweet Vengeance Purrfected

I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just... Read More

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05

Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my... Read More

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise

While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More

Humor Under The Keyboards

For me, the piano is the symbol of what is... Read More

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems

In Southern Germany in a town by the name of... Read More

Freudian Slippage

Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the... Read More

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More

Tales of a Spectator Spectator

Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

Starbucks Going into Hilton

Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong,... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and... Read More