It Was Not Me

It was not me as I am now.
It was not me as I was then.
It was then when God was truly in me.
When God was in me, I was a young man.
A young man with hope, will and desire.
Desire to give my love and the gift of God to the ones in need.
You see, that was me.

Thus, it was not me who hurt you so,
But it was me as I was then.
It was then when God was not in me.
That is when I hurt you though.

Now I can really see it was not me, who scarred you so.
Your innocence, your trust in me, the weak moment in your life,
Was abused by me.
But that was not really me.

You have to see it was not me as I was before,
Or as I am now,
Or as I will ever be.
No! It was not me!
It was he who was not me.
It was he who will never be me.
It was he and me who hurt you so.
No! It was not really me, who hurt you.

I hear you say that it was not you who hurt me so.
You said it was not you
Who stole my innocence,
Who stole my love for life,
Who stole my respect for myself.
You said it was not you who hurt me so.

I was only a boy, ten-year-old boy when my parents abused me so.
I was weak, sad and confused.
I was hurt by someone I loved and trusted so.

I came to you to help me heal.
I came to you because God told me to.
I came to you because you said God was in you.
I came to you because I trusted you more than I trusted mysel
I came to you because perfection of love was in you.
Yes, I came to you.

Your loving tone of voice made me trust you even more.
You listened to me like no one had before.
Your touch was gentle, soft and warm.
Your touch made me feel that I was in a safe place.
Your compassion made me feel the healing in me.
Your soft gaze told me you were the God-sent man.
The man God sent to help me and others like me.

When you put me on your lap, you gave me a hug.
A hug of love, that was doubt-free.
Transcendence in me took all the pain away.
I felt safe because of you.
I felt loved once again because of you.
I felt I was a good little boy because of you.
A good boy who deserved all the goodness in the world;
A good boy with a bright future ahead of him.

But when you put your hands in my pants,
I got confused, but did not refuse to do the same to you.
For it was you who told me then:
"My sweet child you are safe here.
You are safe when you are with me.
You are loved by God in me.
It is God who sent you here,
It is God who wants you to trust me.
So my little boy do trust God in me;
And do what feels good to you."

It was you who said that the God in you
Was loving, and that He knew what's good for me.
And that God in you wants me to please you.
And by pleasing you I'll be pleasing God;
And by pleasing God my pain will go away.

But you did not say that by you touching me that way,
And by me doing the same to you will harm me even more.
You did not say that all this would destroy me so.
You did not say that your love was a lie.
You did not say that you were an evil man.
You did not say that what was in you was not really God,
But the opposite of Him.

Now that I am a grown man,
I know that trusting you was a mistake,
And an error I made.
A mistake and error with irreversible consequences.
The consequences that brought pain in me even more.
The pain, turmoil and darkness in me is now too much for me to endure.

Now you can see why I must go;
Why I must go to a pain-free place.
For the pain in me is unbearable.
Thus, I must go to a secret place,
A place of no return.

Oh my son, please do not go,
There is still hope for you.
Oh my son, it was not me who hurt you so.
Oh my son it was not me as I am now;
It was not me who injured you so.
It was he who was not me when the true God was in me.
Oh my son, please do not go.
There is still hope for you.
It was not me who hurt you so.
Oh my son, please do not go.

ZORA TEOFILOVIC

In The News:


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The Diane Rehm Show

'A Poet's Glossary,' by Edward Hirsch
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The Eastsider LA

Last Call for Poetry in El Sereno
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EL SERENO — Readers at The Writer's Underground open mic recite poetry from memory, notebooks or off their phones. Each person attends the monthly reading at the Eastside Cafe for a different reason. Some are new to poetry and this is their first push ...


MiamiHerald.com

O, Miami poetry festival brings Jose Marti to life
MiamiHerald.com
AL DIAZ / MIAMI HERALD STAFF. Lourdes Gutierrez, left, and Alida Cardo hold white roses given to them by Ivan Lopez, who dressed as Cuban poet Jose Marti to promote O, Miami poetry festival, on Tuesday, April 22, 2014. AL DIAZ / MIAMI HERALD STAFF.


Dodge Poetry Festival returns to Newark with Pulitzer Prize winners and slam ...
The Star-Ledger
The Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry festival returns to the New Jersey Performing Arts Center and Newark's Downtown Arts District for its fifteenth biennial this fall, bearing a roster of about 50 of the field's most celebrated writers and slam poets. Among ...


New York Times (blog)

Claudia Rankine Wins $50000 Poetry Prize
New York Times (blog)
Claudia Rankine has been named the eighth winner of the $50,000 Jackson Poetry Prize. The award, run by the nonprofit organization Poets & Writers, is “given annually to an American poet of exceptional talent who deserves wider recognition.” In an ...
Claudia Rankine awarded Jackson Poetry PrizeThe Malay Mail Online
Jamaica-born poet Rankine wins $50000 Jackson Poetry Prize; judges praise ...Ottawa Citizen

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Jacksonville Daily News

Students recognized in Poetry Slam
Jacksonville Daily News
They read poetry collections and learned about poetry, the different elements and poetic techniques, before they began writing their own poetry and practiced performing their poetry. “Slamming” is in part about expression. The top 16 student poems were ...


APRIL IS POETRY MONTH: Dennis McFarland's 'Nostalgia'
HNN Huntingtonnews.net
As we learn here, the silent Hayes is a favorite of the visiting poet, though neither knows the identity of the other, and Hayes is at risk of being considered a malingerer, or worse, a deserter. The poetry of Whitman enters McFarland's novel in ...


Bloomberg

Riza Dreams of Poetry After Mom Risks Safety in Bangladesh
Bloomberg
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